Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Things That Have Been Thrown At Me!

A comment from an ex Glaswegian taxi driver made me think about some of the things that have been thrown or at least aimed in my general direction.

Having lived in and around Glasgow for 5 years 2000 - 2005 I can say with some authority that during this period I had more items aimed at me than at any other time of my life!

However, before this period of my life I spent a number of years serving Queen and Country and during this period had only been spat on! Mind you the Libyan in question had just had his country, possibly his family bombed by our allies across the pond during the period of 85/86. So all in all, he was probably justified. All though why I was the unlucky recipient I do not know!

Mind you the lead up to it was fairly comical.

We knocked off around 1630 and at 1700 the cook house opened up for our tea. What delights awaited us? The chefs, no, cooks, no slop jockeys would be the first to admit that even making a pot noodle was beyond them on more than one occasion due to the amount of Brandy that was consumed.

On this particular day we were all sat down, trying to work out exactly what we were eating when the Orderly Sergeant came rushing in shouting get down the guard room now, we are under attack! This was met by the unanimous chorus of "F**k Off"! Seriously we are under attack, so armed with nothing more than bread rolls, which bearing in mind were a few days old and in the right hands could do some considerable damage we headed to the Guardroom.

We were confronted with a rag tag band of demonstrators all pushing against our metal gates that were shut at this point.  The US had just bombed Libya. As there was no terrorist threat at this point, none of the guard had weapons, and all we had available I kid you not was two brushes and a mop! Oh and bread rolls!

So armed with a small assortment of utility tools, bread rolls and bad language we defended our camp until they got tired and went home, which was around 20 minutes later! I think I was the only one who took a direct hit of phlegm to the face!

It must of been the only time in military history that bread rolls helped hold off an attack!

I have found myself in a number of bars where fights have taken place and it's been like a scene from a wild west movie, with bottles, people, chairs and screaming women diving for cover as various objects flew through the air. One of these objects happened to be my mate Diggers, I remember lying on the floor after being almost knocked out by a massive Irish Ranger that Diggers looked quite funny as he flew above me and landed in the next booth, even funnier when he was then picked up and flew in the other direction above me yet again!

He came back off of leave once with several broken ribs, I asked him how he had managed to do that and he said quite simply, he was thrown off of Margate Pier, unfortunately for Diggers the tied was out at the time!

Anyway I digress!

When I lived in Glasgow, I had a number of jobs before I became a driving instructor, one was a debt collector, the other was a freelance courier. My time as a debt collector was heart stopping on numerous occasions. But, I will keep it only to having things thrown at me.

I've had bottles, bricks, bolts, tiles, glasses, dog shite, and car tyres all aimed at me. The build up to the 5th of November was like nothing on earth! Everyday you would run gauntlets of rockets being fired at you. I had many scorch marks on my white van from rocket impacts! It wasn't only rockets though, all manner of fire works would be lit then hurled into the path of vehicles. I've seen transit vans with ladders on their roofs with their very own mobile firework displays from their roofs after the "NED's" have thrown fireworks onto them!

Beanz Meanz Heinz!

One day I was just walking back to my van when I heard a thump on the ground, I couldn't work out what it was, then another, closely followed by two more, looked down and my feet were covered in baked beans! Some lunatic was throwing tins of Heinz Baked Beans out of a 20 story block of flats right at me. I managed to dive into my car, and get out the way, where by I phoned the police.

They didn't believe me when I told them what had happened, as they said the people who live in the flats couldn't afford Heinz Beans! Not that this was really the point! The flats in question for those of you who know Glasgow were the high rises just up from the pub "The Dry Dock" in Plean Street, Scotstoun! I remember the name of the street, well, you would when your nearly killed by a tin of bloody baked beans!

I also had my van window broken on this street as well! That was another event! Oh and was a witness to a deranged man smashing up a car with a hammer - same street! Must of been something in the water!

A long bolt approx 2cm in diameter and around 50cm long was once aimed at my car from some high rises, where by it struck the left hand wing and went through it!

A snow/ice ball took out the windscreen of my Suzuki SJ, I drove back to Strathaven after kicking the screen out in the freezing cold, don't even think I came to a complete stop either. I nearly got frost bite driving home. There was no way I was going to stop and wait for a tow truck in Easterhouse! I think I took three days to thaw out, the windscreen wasn't even laminated so had plenty of cuts as well as wind burn!

Now all these incidents happened whilst I was up in Glasgow, but only last Thursday we were driving through New Milton near tesco's when there is a thud on the windscreen, I look to my left and a group of young lads dived into bushes, I swung the Pajero around and stopped.

One lad ran off, but two others picked themselves up. I sort of went into a bit of a rant whilst "M" called the old bill, but the thing was, these were lads from the local Army Cadet Force in uniform which really wound me up. But, the thing that really got me was they were wearing hi viz vests over their combat uniform. If they had not been wearing the hi viz vests I would never of seen them. I was angry at them for throwing bags of dog shite at us, but even more so for not paying attention to concealment! Are they not taught fieldcraft any more!

Anyway, I gave them the fright of their life, with a bit of ranting and raving, the old bill didn't do anything, by the time they had got to the scene, we were home and the kids probably were as well if they had any sense!

Apart from various accusations from Ex wives No 1 and No 2, I cant think of anything else that's been thrown at me, but if I do I will let you know!

Till later..............


  1. What an interesting blog! I've never thought about caravan life. So many story possibilities! ;-)

    New follower here. I'm trying to get a head start on visiting my fellow "A to Z"ers. I'm really enjoying your blog and I look forward to visiting again.


  2. No one will have to suffer the beans being lobed at them - those high flats have been demolished!

  3. Jools talking of things that were thrown, don't forget PB was thrown off the bridge in Osnabruck by the Irish Rangers and he had a couple of miles to walk before he could get out. To make matters worse they stole his pizza. There was also a hamster. Good look for the test.

  4. Yes, PB being flung off the bridge was funny! He said he thought he was drowning but managed to stand up and the water only came to his knees! Then none of the taxi's would take him back to camp as he was soaking. The icing on the cake (forgive the pun) was that it was the middle of winter with sub zero temperatures, how he didnt get hypothermia is a mystery, probably due to the amount of barcadi inside him!

  5. Forgot about the Hamster! There were some terrapins as well if I remember correctly. Oh, and dangling Ken out of the window was not one of our brightest ideas! Or encouraging the clerk to jump out either!